Snowball's Chance in Hell
by Sass Master
Summary: Tifa's acting a little strange, but Reno's not complaining. 7th in a collection of 14


**A.N.: New one finally! Man, I love that 'new story' feeling. This one goes out to Rachie, who wanted me to finish it by her birthday (which I did) so happy birthday! And of course to Stephanie, who helps me take my crazy notions to the next level. That's why I love ya.**

…**Well, there are lots of things I want to say about this fic, but I don't want to give anything away.**

**But.**

**And this is important.**

_**I IMPLORE YOU!**_

**Read the whole fic _ALL THE WAY THROUGH_ before you form an opinion. I'd tell you why, but like I said, I don't want to ruin anything. So go ahead and read.**

**Oh, and this is in the timeline… just read it.**

**XXXXXXXXX**

Reno lifted his head up and blinked in a semi-drunken haze. What the hell was he doing again? Oh right. He was bored and in need of a drink and felt like bothering the hottest woman he knew. Unfortunately, so far, all he'd managed to do was get a few drinks. Perhaps a few too _many _drinks.

And he was still bored out of his fucking mind, not to mention that his eye candy was, to his disappointment, absent. Where _was _she anyway?

The bar was nearly empty, nearly closed, and he still hadn't seen her. He waved his drained glass at the woman in the corner. He wasn't even entirely sure she worked there, but she seemed to enjoy lurking in the shadows and getting things for him, so he figured hey, whatever floated her boat.

Though as she spilled nearly half the bottle on the counter due to an unsteady hand as she refilled his glass, and shuffled back into the darkness, muttering to herself, he was painfully reminded that she was a very, very, poor substitute for Tifa.

And he didn't really think that anyone would believe him if he told them he only smelled like booze because some crazy chick poured tequila all over him. He shook his liquor-soaked hand, spraying droplets everywhere and probably making the situation worse. Grimacing, he decided to take another look around the room.

All he was looking for was that tight shirt, the one on the figure he'd grown so accustomed to staring at, but was distressed to find that the only tight clothing in his view belonged to men.

Oh shit, was this a gay bar or something? …Was he in the wrong bar?

He squinted trying to determine if he was where he thought he was. He hadn't had _that _much to drink, but he was confused. Something seemed off. He knew he was in the 7th Heaven, but for some reason he couldn't remember getting there or recognize anything in the room.

Ooh! But wait. _That _body looked pleasantly familiar. Ah, haha, and they were all alone…

"Hey babe, come here often?" Oh, he was smooth.

She responded by slamming a rag on the counter and violently scrubbing a stubborn spot that was ground into the wood.

He ducked his head to try to meet her eyes. "Cause you know, it's not every day that someone as hot as yourself shows up in a place li—"

She cut him off by throwing the rag down and sighed loudly, angrily. "Not _now _Reno. I don't think I can deal with any more aggravation."

What the hell was _her _problem? "Uhh, are you like, okay?"

Tifa picked up the rag again and started to wring it in her hands. It seemed like she was picturing the cloth as something very particular. "No. I'm very…" She managed to cause the fabric to tear, "_Frustrated_."

Reno watched a few threads flutter to the counter. He raised an eyebrow. "Geez, no kidding. About what?"

"_Cloud_," she muttered, idly pushing the tiny threads around with her fingernail.

God, he should have known. From the sound of things, there was trouble in paradise. "What, did he call out the wrong name while you guys were doin' it or something?" Ahh, why did he have to go and put _that_ image in his head? He didn't want to picture Cloud calling _anyone's_ name. Especially considering that if Reno's assumptions were correct, Cloud would probably blurt out a name like Frank, or Jim, or Bob, or Mukki…

Ugh, do _not _go there, he mentally warned himself. Think about Tifa instead.

No… no, wait, it was probably a bad time for that.

"_No_," she said miserably. "At least if he did something like _that_, I could break up with him."

He shrugged. "Break up with him anyway." Wait, why was he pursuing someone else's girlfriend again? Oh right, Tifa was too sexy for Cloud and Reno didn't give a shit about him anyway.

"I can't."

"Sure you can. Why not?"

"You can't break up with someone for being bad in bed!" she said, finally throwing her hands up in a culmination of emotion.

Reno just barely prevented his jaw from dropping. _That _was what the problem was? A split second later, he wondered why he'd be even remotely surprised. He scoffed. Cloud so _would _be bad in bed…

Against his better judgment, he pursued the topic. "What's the problem exactly?" He was sure that hearing about Cloud having sex, at any level of skill, would probably be boring and disturbing, but a woman in need was a woman in need. And maybe it was the kind of need that Reno could help her with…

She slumped forward on the counter. "Everything. He's… mechanical. He won't relax. He's nervous, he's boring, he's close-minded…" She straightened, a sudden vehemence in her voice. "He's unadventurous! He won't try anything new! It's the same _every _time! I mean…" She braced her palms on the counter. "The 'same-old, same-old' is fine if it _works_ but it _doesn't_!"

She took a moment and sighed again. "It's just… sex is supposed to be fun and exciting, isn't it? And you know, I didn't think it was even _possible_ in that sort of situation, but he's… _too _gentle! I suppose that's ordinarily a good thing, but sometimes I just wanna be thrown down on the bed and—" She stopped short and looked at Reno as if just realizing he was there, and just realizing what she was saying. She cleared her throat awkwardly. "…Well, I think you get the idea."

Reno shifted in his seat. Oh, he most certainly got the idea. She just couldn't believe she was so blatantly putting that idea in his head. But it was _so _the wrong moment to be dwelling on those notions.

…Or maybe it was exactly the _right_ moment.

He just couldn't get over what he was hearing—all this time and he thought she was some kind of prude. But after hearing about all the things she wanted Cloud to be, it was obvious she was a sex demon. A _repressed _sex demon. God, this could work so easily to his advantage that it wasn't even funny.

But her behavior still made him curious. Not that it didn't thrill him to learn that she was a bit sex-crazy, he'd just always thought she placed other, more 'moral' things first. "…So what about y'know… the _love _thing?"

"Being in love and having an orgasm are not the same thing!" she cried in frustration, before leaning on her elbows and burying her face in her hands. "If I don't… soon… gonna explode."

Bits of her speech were muffled by her fingers, but he had a pretty good clue of what she said. "Hmm, you're right, they're definitely not the same," God, he was liking her more and more today. That's it, he was going for it. "But you know, you really can't _blame _him. It takes a lot of…" He deliberately paused, hoping to draw her in. "_Practice _to get good at that sort of thing." He raised his eyebrows as she looked at him through her fingers, trying to indicate that practice was something he had, something he'd make her very, very grateful for.

Realization slowly dawned on her face. "Oh my God, you're right!" He grinned, not knowing why fate had chosen this particular evening to favor him but refusing to question it. She stood upright again. "I should train him! How else is he going to get good at it?"

His grin immediately fell into a frown and his eyes widened as she began to walk away. He nearly left his seat as he sprang forward to grab her arm. "Nonononono, waitwaitwait, that's not what I meant!"

She tilted her head. "It's not?"

"No," He couldn't believe he almost fucked it up. "I meant it takes a lot of… uhh…" How to say this without her taking it the wrong way again? "Talent! That's it. Talent. Naaaatural talent. Yup."

Tifa blinked a few times. Her mouth formed an 'O,' then a grin matching his.

Finally! He'd gotten through to her.

"Talent, huh?" she said slyly, leaning in close to him. "And who do you know that's got talent at that sort of thing?"

"Weeeell, I wouldn't want to brag, but… I've gotten some pretty good feedback. Very few complaints." Minimal to none in his memory, but that memory could be rather… _selective_ at times.

"Mmmm, so you're saying I'd be better off with someone of your level of skill," Their faces were nearly touching. "Is that it?" As she leaned in to whisper that last part, he could feel her breath on his ear. Reno could barely stay in his seat knowing that he _so had her _now.

"You got it." Just as he was preparing to close the distance between them, the bell on the door—even more irritating because of its ill-timed chiming—sounded, interrupting them.

And there went his luck, just as quickly as it had come. Wasn't the bar supposed to be closed anyway? Thoroughly pissed off, he turned to see who had ruined the moment.

Ohhh… it was _that _guy! What was his name again?

"Vincent," he heard Tifa say.

Right, that was it. At any rate he was Reno's mortal enemy right now—Tifa seemed to snap out of whatever daze he had managed to pull her into. She stepped back, shaking her head. "God," she laughed slightly, apparently a little ashamed of herself. "What am I doing?"

Reno was on the verge of tearing his hair out in frustration. He was _so damn close _and now she'd decided to come to her senses.

She glanced past Reno to the man hovering in the doorway. "I mean really. If I'm gonna do something like this, it should be with Vincent! I mean, I do know him a lot better. Besides, I'll bet he's even more experienced than you are!"

Reno's eyes nearly flew out of his head. "WHAT!" Why had fate chosen this particular moment to completely screw him over? Fate was a deceitful bitch. He was at a loss for any more words as he watched her circle the bar.

"Vincent…" she said grabbing his hand, sidling close to him and using the same sultry tone she had with Reno. "Come here, I want to talk to you about something…"

Reno turned back to his glass, having just remembered it was there, and swore as they disappeared into the back room. Why did the 'sexy' vampire always have to steal the girl?

He blinked a few times when he realized that he was acting as if this sort of thing happened to him all the time. But no, this was certainly one for the record books.

He decided to at least stay and finish his drink, or perhaps pour himself a few more when no one was around to catch him stealing. After a while, he was beginning to wonder why he wasn't hearing any obscene noises coming from the other end of the bar.

But screw it; he wasn't sticking around to wallow in the presence of his failure. He collided with Tifa on his way to the door. Odd, he hadn't even seen her. "That was quick," he said. "Shouldn't you be involved in some depraved, uninhibited sex act right now?"

She pouted a little. "Vincent says he won't go along with it unless I break up with Cloud first. But I was _this close _to seducing him, I swear…"

Reno thought for a moment. So did that mean…?

Tifa stepped a little closer. "So, um…" Her voice dropped. "Are _you _still available?"

He grinned. For the moment at least, fate was being kind to him again. "Free as a bird, babe."

She pressed up against him and whispered in his ear again. "Can we go to your place?"

"You bet." He really wanted to kiss her—really wanted to do a lot more than that—but he opted to grab her hand and lead her out the door. He wasn't taking any more chances by wasting time. He only felt fleeting concern for the fact that he was helping her cheat on someone she supposedly loved.

But Reno's reasoning was simple and it was more than enough for him: If Cloud couldn't satisfy Tifa, he didn't deserve her anyway.

OoOoOoOoO

Reno was a very happy man when he woke up, pleased in every sense of the word. The term 'best sex of his life' came to mind, but he wasn't about to jump the gun. Tifa had proven in many, many ways that she possessed a lot of untapped sexual creativity, and God only knew that Reno had few tricks up his sleeve. The way he saw it, it could only get better from there. Last night had only been the tip of the iceberg.

There was still the matter of Cloud, but he'd probably be dealt with all in good time. Tifa would—

Wait, where was she anyway?

He quickly shrugged it off. She'd probably gone to open up the bar or something. He'd just have to go down there and try to persuade her into a repeat of the night before.

OoOoOoOoO

He found her shortly after the bar opened, when the after-work crowd had filled up the bar. "Hey babe," he said, sliding onto his favorite barstool.

"Oh, hi Reno."

"Aww, c'mon," he teased. "That's the only kind of greeting I get?"

She shook her head. "Were you expecting something else?"

"Weeeell, considering we know each other intimately now…" He was grinning just thinking about it.

"Oh we do, do we?" she asked, laughing. "Since when?"

"Last night."

She frowned. "…And what happened last night?"

Reno frowned too. He liked to think he provided a rather memorable experience. "You don't remember?"

"Umm, refresh me please?"

"Well, last night you came on to me, and then the two of us went back to my place and we—"

"W-we did?" She looked rather disturbed by the thought.

Now he was disturbed as well. Why had she forgotten? She hadn't been _drunk _had she? If she had, it certainly would explain a lot of her behavior. But still, he prided himself in the fact that he didn't take advantage of drunk girls.

But if that was the case, it was too late now. Besides, he didn't know Tifa to get drunk anyway.

"We sure did. And you were pretty damn wild, I might add," He took a moment to smirk. "Not that I'm complaining or anything."

"Wild?" she asked, turning bright red. "What exactly did I _do_?"

He leaned in close to whisper it to her. Normally he would have tried to embarrass her by spilling all the naughty details for everyone to hear, but since she had been _so exceedingly generous _last night, he decided to spare her.

Tifa pulled away and looked at him strangely. "I think I would remember if I did something like _that_," she insisted.

"Fine. Does _this _remind you of anything?" He pulled away his shirt collar.

"…You're missing a button?"

"What? No!" He looked down. "Okay well yeah, but that's not what I meant," he pointed to his neck trying to indicate the hickey she'd left near his collarbone. "_This_."

"There's nothing there."

Huh? Well, maybe it had gone away already. But he was sure there were a few telltale bite marks _some_where on his body…

"Well the point is, it happened."

She cast her eyes downward and was silent for a moment. "This is some information to be getting first thing on a Monday…"

Now he was starting to feel bad about the whole thing. …Maybe not _bad, _but—

Wait, Monday? Was that what day it was? But… then the bar wouldn't even have been _open _the night before and…

"Goddammit," he muttered.

"What?"

"It was a dream." God, it was so obvious now. Her absence in the morning, her inability to remember what had happened, the fact that she had been coming on to him in the first place… He couldn't even describe how disappointed he was.

And hell, she wasn't even _dating _Cloud!

"Huh?"

"A dream. It didn't really happen."

"It didn't?"

"No, I just dreamt it."

Just as he was realizing that he'd accidentally told her he had a sex dream about her, she leaned across the counter.

He could feel her breath in his ear again, and he was filled with an overwhelming sense of déjà vu. "Mmmm, that's too bad."

Her words were sinking in and he felt like he had in his dream. He tried to come up with something smooth to say, but the words were lost as he watched her walk away. She was a damn tease if he'd ever known one, and she made it all too apparent as she moved with an intentional sway in her hips. Dammit, this so wasn't fair.

Reno shifted in his seat, swearing under his breath. He had a feeling that he'd be having that dream again very, very soon.

XXXXXXXXX 

**A.N.: XD Do you see why I wanted it to be read all the way through? I mean, if you didn't I'm sure it would have been like uhh, WTF? OOC? Plot holes? Haha though I must say, that's why I had fun writing this one. I could basically write whatever the hell I wanted and have it all be justified in the end.**

…**Which is good, cause this started as me saying to Steph, 'Hey, wouldn't it be funny if Cloud was bad in bed and Tifa was complaining to Reno about it?' And then, because our brains work like that, the idea eventually evolved into this XD In a bizarre way, it's the companion piece to 'I'm Only Sleeping.' Y'know, Tifa's dreams vs. Reno's dreams XD**

**Anyway, I'm gonna shut the hell up now.**

**Please leave reviews!**


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